A gentleman who was selling his wares out of India next to my booth was nice, and we chatted on and off all day. Then he said, "your baby is so cute. She is really smart, and adventurous. I see that she gets a lot of attention, but be careful so she doesn't get spoiled."
That comment really, really bothered me. I felt that I had a glimpse into the source of many problems people have as they grow and soul-search. I told him right then, "giving a child lots of positive attention does not spoil her. It makes her strong and connected, so she will be able to learn to be a better person."
People confuse not being able to do things they want to do in the manner they would like because of a child needing attention with actually failing to install in a child the sense of empathy which translates into the socially proper behavior. These are two different things.
A child at any stage needs lots of attention, and that's how they grow. By "attention," I mean a certain type of attention, though attention nonetheless. I give her whatever she wants, as long as it doesn't harm her. She asks for it because it is age appropriate for her to ask it. And, truthfully, she mainly wants to be and do things with me, or someone she loves. I give her my full attention whenever I can, pushing her to... To love me, of course! And to be compassionate, to be analytical, to be curious, to be brave, to be careful, to be musical, to be physical... my attempts are endless. I talk to her in Japanese, so she'll know my language and have a better mental control than if I didn't. I call out the colors as I take out crayons out of the box one by one. I give the show of enormous enthusiasm when I notice a something - a fire engine, an airplane, a dog, a book - so she would become excited about these little things. I tell her our itinerary of the day and repeat it with much enthusiasm several times in the morning, so she will know to expect something and actually have them happen - to learn to plan. Then at the end of the day, I talk about our day with her to her daddy, emphasizing the fun bit and encouraging her to chime in, so she will learn to recall and express herself. It's all about having fun with her and nudging her along. But, that means sometimes I deny what she asks - like when she wants to snatch the Thomas the Tank Engine from her friend's hands, or when she wants an ice cream from the Big Gay Ice cream Truck after she's had a few cookies, or when she asks me to open my Swiss Army Knife.
I strongly believe paying positive attention to your kids connects you with her, making her resilient, so you can (hopefully) guide her towards better version of herself. One of my guide as a parent is Dr. Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell's Parenting from Inside Out.
Again, give the kids A LOT!! of attention. You'll know which kind, if you pay attention. We are all busy, and nowhere near perfect, but we do what we can, as much as we can.
Love,
kazooooooooooooooooo
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